Your Heavy Heart

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So I guess it’s been a little while since I last posted. Some might even say that I’m a little overdue.

I’m not sure what to write about. Not because I am short of stories and memories to recall but because I’m trying to find a significant one to make it count.

I guess I will write about how much things have changed. Always for the better even when it doesn’t feel like it in the moment. I am now living on my own and experiencing the world through a much bigger key hole. I’m not sure how I feel about everything. Some days I’m absolutely thrilled, others I’m bored or nervous about. The feeling always passes and the day after is always a different shade.

I’ve been spending a lot less time on my own these days. Very much unlike the school days. I’m sure plenty of people will recall a much a different college experience than I. Company is nice but sometimes you get too dependent on it. And perhaps even worse you lose yourself in the day-to-day struggle. I say struggle but that is hardly the word to use to describe my every day.

Today I came back from the grocery store and I had a heavy head. The winds of change had something to say and I felt uneasy. I felt uneasy going home, I felt uneasy sitting in my car in the grocery parking lot and I felt uneasy when I got home. To remedy this I did what I often do, I take some time to walk, talk, look and listen. I walk with a confident stride that I now think calms my nerves. I talk to my self out loud, though sometimes under my breath so as not to scare the kids I pass. I gesture and curse, I ponder and announce my frustrations to the air around me. I always find talking to my self extremely helpful. I question my motives, I poke fun at my self and I try to achieve a perspective outside of my own. I try to reason out my worries, fears and deal with my anxiety.

Today after work I just had one of those days. I didn’t know why I was feeling the way I was but the simple act of talking a walk (nope, not a typo) soothed my nerves. They wouldn’t stay soothed for long but as I lie here in bed I believe that they are once again in a comfortable state.

I think there is nothing more difficult than understanding yourself. And once you can truly understand your self, your feelings and motives and be at peace with the sometimes stormy thoughts that light up your head, then the rest of the world seems that much less complicated.

I’m not happy with my first post since the hiatus, but I’ll cut my self some slack.

The photo, I feel, fits the mood quite well. Moody yet comfortable.